Are You Unconsciously Choosing to Keep Your Problems?
More people than you can imagine are unconsciously choosing to keep their problems. You may ask yourself, “Why would anyone do that?”
The Problem of Belonging
I lived in San Francisco, long before it was tech central and the most expensive city in the country.
One of my gifts is to see patterns, and I saw a pattern. San Francisco was full of people that couldn’t wait to get out of their hometown AND felt like they didn’t belong wherever they grew up.
San Francisco was a beautiful city flourishing with misfits, artists, and alternative types.
And then, the misfits found a group of people just like them. Hooray! Friends and Belonging!
This newfound community offered the community they did not have growing up.
And then something miraculous happened, the alternatives, artists, and misfits became the popular kids.
Human nature followed and they formed impenetrable clicks and ostracized those that were not like them.
San Francisco’s social scene was like an alternative high school.
And many of the creatives stopped creating, because it was, in fact, the pain of not belonging that drove their creation.
What’s the point?
People will give up important things in order to belong.
Needing to belong is hardwired into your brain and nervous system. Your nervous system has not progressed as quickly as modern society. It believes you must be accepted by the tribe in order to survive.
Most people have problems. In fact, the human mind needs a problem to solve to feel happy and fulfilled. The question then becomes, what kind of problem do you want to have?
Many people have the kind of problems nobody wants. Perhaps they feel unworthy, unlovable, maybe they were bullied, or suffered trauma.
It stands to reason, that people would grab at any possibility to solve these problems. But they don’t. Six months and even years later they are still complaining about the same problems.
Why is this?
Quite simply, there is a benefit to keeping the problem. And they are unwilling to give it up.
Problems Can Create Connection and Attention
People often discover others that suffer from their same problem. As a result, they commiserate and create a bond. Just like the misfits of San Francisco.
These bonds will create friendships around the problems. People that work at terrible workplaces will usually create stronger friendships because they will bond over their terrible work environment.
Whether it is new friends, a support group that they never leave, or even a therapist. People find that others will support them because of their problems.
As I said before, the human nervous system is hardwired to need love and connection, and will do most anything to keep it. Even keep their problems.
Also, people receive sympathy and attention for their problems. And let’s face it, attention can feel real nice if you are looking for validation that you are worthy.
You see this a lot on social media. A person will post about some problem in their life, and they will get an outpouring of love and support. And a regular post will get very little attention.
As long as the attention keeps coming in, the motivation to eliminate the problem is small.
Avoidance of Responsibility and Fear of Loss
The other common reason people do not take the steps to heal or solve their problems is that they do not want to put in the effort or spend the money to get rid of the problem. It’s easier, in their mind, to blame something outside of themselves because they won’t have to give up anything: connection, sympathy, time, effort, or money.
As Kyle Cease says: they can measure what they will lose. This loss is concrete, and what they might gain is intangible.
Changing your world requires: letting go of who you have allowed the problem to make you, stepping into the unknown, and taking responsibility for your life. And most people are just not ready to do that.
Tony Robbins says: People change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change.
How many times has someone told you their problems and pushed away every possible solution? How many times have you done that?
Don’t take it personally. That person unconsciously wants to keep their problem.
Are You Ready to Kick Your Problems to the Curb?
Amazing!
The first thing to do is to make a definitive choice. Once you do that, your unconscious mind will start looking everywhere for a solution.
You know those moments when you can’t remember something, and then you wake in the middle of the night with the answer? This is because you tasked your unconscious mind to find the solution. And it went to work to find the answer.
The next thing, and perhaps the most important thing, is to stay open. The solution to your problem is likely something you have never done before. Do not let your fear of the unknown stop you from exploring the options revealed to you.
If you allow this to happen, you will be telling your unconscious mind that you don’t want to find a solution. And it will stop looking for the answers.
If you want to go somewhere new, you need to do something you have never done before.
If you are ready to kick your problems to the curb, book a free Step UP call today, and let’s see if I can help you.