What is Getting in the Way of Feeling Your Joy?

When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel complete, unbridled joy? Did you let it flow through you and envelop you without fear of when it would end? I was four years old the last time I felt it.

About six years ago, during a meditation, I tasted that kind of joy, and have been seeking it ever since.

Feel the Feelings

The funny thing is, I work with my clients teaching them to learn to feel their feelings and emotions. I teach them to allow the feelings to come. But what was holding ME back from experiencing unrelenting joy? Avoiding feeling the bad emotions makes sense, but why would anyone avoid feeling joy?

When I was little I remember running so fast with glee in my heart, singing at the top of my lungs, and skipping everywhere I went. I felt pure joy as a little girl, but somewhere along the way it shifted. The spark fell out of my eye. I don’t think it was one thing. Likely it was many things: the music teacher telling me I had a horrible voice, the feeling I could only depend on myself, and fear of what was to come.

Healing Myself

I have been seeking more joy for a long time. And then, the other day it dawned on me, why don’t I use my healing techniques on myself? I laughed at the absurdity of it taking me so long to apply this technique to this problem. I use it for many things- transforming limiting beliefs, healing triggers, and squashing bad habits.

Choosing to keep it simple, I did not ask what is getting in the way of feeling joy. Instead I worked directly with the part of me that does not allow me to feel it. I completed the process and went to bed.

As often happens after I do healing work, I experienced nightmares. You might be thinking that’s terrible, but it’s not. The unconscious mind  processes healing work in your sleep, and for me, sometimes that means crazy dreams. The key is to evaluate the dream, and see how things were handled differently than in the past. This dream was illuminating.

The Nightmare

I was bartending at an old job (Crowbar SF) that has been closed for 14 years now. I have stress dreams about this bar a few times a year, not because it was a terrible place, but because it was such a big part of my life for so long.

Anyway, the scene took place during the pandemic in New York, where the safety rules-and law is: we only serve outside, people must wear a mask to order, and each customer must purchase a food item. I showed up for work, and the original owner was not following the rules. I shrugged it off, and went to work.

Then the bar filled up with maskless people, and I could not keep up. In the service industry we call this being in the weeds. I love being in the weeds, but this was too much even for me. The owner was sitting at the bar and I asked for help. He said no.

I went back to helping people for a few minutes, and then stopped and asked the owner why he would not help. He went off on me and told me to get back to work. And then I got mad. I told my boss off, and I picked up a pilsner glass, and through it against the brick wall a few feet from him. It shattered in the ice well, and I said, “Fine, then I quit,” and I left.

What was Different

You might not think any of this is such a big deal, but everything I did in this dream is outside of what I would have done in the past.

• First, I would have freaked out about following the rules. I would never have let it go with such ease.
• Second, not in a million years would I have asked for help.
• Third, I would not have never stood up for myself or expressed my anger, I would have held it in.
• And Fourth, I would have suffered through it, I never would have walked away from a responsibility, no matter how horrible someone was to me or how much it was eating at my soul.

The Conclusion

The healing I executed worked with my unconscious mind to integrate things that have kept me from experiencing the full expression of joy. My past rigidity for following the rules, and freaking out when they are broken inhibited my ability to experience joy. As well, as my inability to ask for help when I need it, and the lack of being able stand up for myself. My tendency to stay in situations that ate away at my worth and spirit also prohibited my joy. I KNOW I always waited for the other shoe to drop. How can one fully experience joy when they are carrying the weight of impending doom? And, I believe there were times I felt I didn’t deserve joy.

Feeling Joy

This might be my all time favorite nightmare. It showed me how far I have come, and it showed me the traits that hindered my life in other areas also dampened my joy. And most importantly, it showed me that I am well on my way to experiencing the unbridled joy I have been longing for.

What is holding you back from allowing your joy to flow at full force? Do you want to find out? Reach out and let’s have a conversation.