3 Reasons You Don’t Have the Life You Want
People talk about the things they want, but few are willing to step outside their comfort zone to get them. Why is this?
Why is this?
- Humans generally only step out of their comfort zone when they feel threatened.
- Lack of love and acceptance often registers to the nervous system as a threat to survival.
- Past threats are anchored into your nervous system
The primary objective of the unconscious mind is to preserve the body.
Because of this the unconscious mind will do anything and everything to avoid a possible threat.
But what the unconscious mind thinks is a threat is not always a threat.
Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Long before modern society, humans were hunters and gatherers. When they felt uncomfortable emotions it usually meant there was a threat to their life: a sabertooth tiger, natural disaster, the lack of food source, or a threat of being thrown out of the tribe—back then, and presently as a child, a human is unlikely to survive on their own.
To survive, the ancient human was forced to face fear regularly: hunting, unpredictable weather, moving locations because of food scarcity, and avoiding predators. It was not possible to stay in their cozy little comfort zone and still survive. The desire to live motivated them to step outside their comfort zone.
The desire to live also motivated them to create easier ways to survive. Because of this humans utilized their cognitive abilities to devise better shelters, weapons, and more abundant food sources. And as humans became more comfortable, stepping out of the comfort zone became less necessary for survival.
You Need Love and Approval
In the hunter/gatherer time of human evolution the tribe needed to work together to survive. Being kicked out of the tribe likely meant death. As a result, love and acceptance became a cornerstone to survival.
Today, you may be able to survive on your own, but as a baby or young child you needed others to help you live. If your mother did not feed you, or if you were left alone in the woods, you would not survive. And, your unconscious mind knows this. Instinctively you know that you must be loved and accepted in order to live.
What does this mean?
It means that when you are little, a lack of love, acceptance, and belonging can register to your nervous system as a threat to life. As a result, you will step out of your comfort zone and try new behaviors to get love and approval. You might use humor, people please, be perfect, stay strong, do things you think are wrong, or never ask for help.
Negative Anchors in Your Nervous System
Often, the situations that cause fear and threat to survival link to negative emotions in your unconscious mind. This kind of neurological link is called an anchor. As a result, your unconscious mind avoids those circumstances at all cost, because it thinks your life depends on it.
When you grow into adulthood, you consciously understand that you can survive without love and acceptance, but you still carry negative anchors of past threats in your nervous system. And sometimes, these anchors even transfer to other survival resources, like money.
Your mind and body react to an anchor so quickly that it feels like you have zero control. For instance, look at this symbol: $. The dollar sign is an anchor for the word and concept of money, and the symbol “triggers” money.
As quickly as your brain associated $ to money, it will react to avoid any possible circumstance it thinks is a threat to your life. And any circumstance anchored to a past fear is a negative anchor and must be avoided at all cost. These circumstances become outside of your comfort zone.
Some things your unconscious mind might have do to avoid those circumstances and negative anchors are: blame someone else, go the long way home, refuse to do something that seems simple and easy to others, refuse to stand up for yourself, say no, people please, push yourself to the point of exhaustion, and any number of other behaviors that make no sense from the outside looking in.
What can you do about negative anchors?
Ultimately, you must prove to your unconscious mind the situation is not a threat to your safety. By doing so, you move from survival or victim to empowerment.
You might be thinking, “That sounds simple enough, but how do I actually do it?”
Here are two ways.
One: Force yourself to step outside of your comfort zone and through the uncomfortable feelings. Do this repeatedly until your unconscious realizes it is not a threat. When your unconscious mind finally gets it, the change will be instant. With this approach, you might get lucky and only need to do it once, or you may need to do it hundreds of times. Over time, some people might give up and say things like: “That’s just the way I am, there’s nothing I can do about it.” The brave ones will keep going, and hopefully one day it will click. There is no way to know how difficult it will be or how long it will take.
Two: You can work with someone that specializes in the unconscious mind to collapse these anchors and help you create new empowered neural pathways. By connecting directly to the unconscious mind, this work can be easy, fast, and permanent.
Real life example of stepping through the comfort zone until the unconscious mind gets it.
At fifteen years old, I moved out of my house and almost took my life.
When I made the decision to live and go back to my mom’s house, I needed a way to ensure my safety. I believed I needed a back up plan and safety net in case things went south again. My solution was to get a job and make my own money. With money, I could pay for my own food and supplies, save and be ready to run if needed.
Money became necessary to life in the same way love and approval had been.
For me, working and money became anchored to safety, security, and life. Not to possibility and choice, like people with abundance mindsets. In fact, if there was a possibility for me to work, I felt like I had no choice. I would turn down anything and everything for work. To not work was way out of my comfort zone.
Fast forward to when I moved to New York. I needed my safety nets, so I saved a lot of money. Finding lucrative, steady work as a bartender took over a year. As a result, I filled in at multiple places and took every shift possible. Every day without a consistent job, I stepped out of my comfort zone. And I consciously learned I could survive in uncertainty. This was a HUGE breakthrough for me. I still didn’t know it unconsciously, but I could remind myself of this lesson and step out of my comfort zone again and again.
A few years later, I had an opportunity to do a leadership course. I wanted it so badly, but this was miles outside my comfort zone! My unconscious SCREAMED at me not to do it. “You don’t have the money! You can’t travel to Colorado four times in the next three months! No, you can’t take that much time off work!”
But then I remembered I survived in uncertainty when I moved to New York.
Even though I was terrified, I stepped out of my comfort zone and said YES.
On the first weekend, I seemed like I could do anything. Feelings of pride welled up when I thought about much I already pushed through to be there.
Until…the trainer told us our mandatory weekly meeting would be Wednesday nights. I worked Wednesday nights.
If I stayed in the training, I would have to let go of one of my five jobs and lose an additional $1000 per month.
As I sat in my chair, the walls began to close in on me, and panic set in. I NEVER panicked because I ALWAYS had a million safety nets in place. But I had already cut every financial safety net to be there.
I wanted this leadership program, badly. I knew I needed it. And, the unconscious part of me that anchored working and money to life, knew I needed it too. But my unconscious was only willing to go so far outside my comfort zone, and I was maxed out.
The battle of my conscious will and my unconscious began.
First, I began to shake. Then, I began to silently cry in front of 25 other people. I NEVER cried in front of people. I always kept it together and never let anyone see my weakness.
Eventually, the trainer noticed my state.
Deep down, I believed that somehow I could bend the situation. Crying and shaking, I made my case, pleaded and begged. I went outside of every one of my comfortable strategies. I did not care about love and approval.
For my nervous system and unconscious mind this was beyond the comfort zone, it was a matter of life and death. I would not let them take away my money.
Every person in the workshop wanted to accommodate me and change the meeting—likely to avoid their uncomfortable feelings. But the trainer held fast.
After a half hour of crying, shaking and pleading, the reality that I could not bend the situation to my will sank in.
I had only two choices:
- Choose to keep my Wednesday shift, and lose the money I spent for the workshop, three round trip plane tickets, and lose three weekends of work I had already given up.
- Give up the Wednesday shift, and continue with the leadership program.
Once this realization (or acceptance) set in, my body continued to shake, but the crying stopped. I sat in silent contemplation.
- “Do I choose scenario #1 and blame the trainer for my lost money and opportunity?” I would have been a victim.
- “Maybe I say no to the leadership program and fully accept the lost money.” I would have lost money and chipped away at the belief that I would die if I lost money. This would have been a win, and would likely move me closer to a permanent shift around money.
- “Perhaps, I choose scenario #2 and believe the trainer is the source of my money problems.” I would have been a victim.
After about five minutes, I took a deep breath, raised my head, and said, “Okay I’ll do it.”
In that moment, the change was instant.
I believed without a doubt that I could do it. I broke through the comfort zone boundary from survival and fear to empowerment and possibility.
My legs shook for another two hours after I made this decision. A yoga teacher once told me that your body shakes when you are doing something you have never done before. I like to think your body is discovering that something new is possible.
This shift took years of stepping out of my comfort zone until my unconscious finally “got it.” And when that happened, the change was instant.
It does not have to be that hard.
A relentless curiosity drove me to look for faster and more effective ways to change. And I found them. It requires working directly with the unconscious mind.
As an Unconscious Mind Expert, I have helped hundreds of people shift at the unconscious level, clearing excessive emotional reactions, negative anchors, and trauma. I have helped people create permanent change by shifting perspectives, breaking through limiting beliefs, patterns, fears and by elevating their self esteem and self worth.
If you are having trouble creating the life you really want, book a free Step UP call today and let’s see if I can help you.